Count Down

 

I start meds tomorrow. The doctor started me on Anti-depressants. She refuses to prescribe stimulants for patients who are over 12 years of age due to the cardio complications that can occur with stimulants. Bad news is this will kick-in in a week or so. Though from testimonials I have read, it may be sooner. The dosage can be increased in a month. We’ll see.

Pharmacies are so desensitized. I am buying an anti depressant for the first time and the clerk wants to hurry me along the purchasing process. He kept telling me to sign the tab but it wasn’t for my credit card it was on whether I declined or spoke to the pharmacist. I had done neither. So I asked to speak to the pharmacist. The clerk didn’t get it so I asked if I needed food when taking these. He said he didn’t know and told me to sign the tab. I said again “I need to speak to the pharmacist. He barked at me “Why?” I just repeated at his volume. I need to speak to the pharmacists! He replied he’s on the phone.No reason for this to be a yelling match, but it was. I said I’ll wait. Really the tab only had "I have spoken with" and "I have declined". I had not done either. Not sure what the clerk was trying to get away with. I have had other clerks say click that you have and wait to the side we will get you the pharmacist. Not this clerk. Maybe it was his bad day, everybody gets one. Perhaps there should be a third column for “the clerk is pushing me, cause he wants to go home.” Customer service is not what it used to be.

All day I have been wondering if I will be like I used to be. I worry I will loose some of myself. I am hoping I gain more of me than I loose. I can’t imagine a life without quirky. Time will tell.

The Middle of the Beginning

I got my tests back. I have ADHD inattentive. This is what I have been hiding my whole adult life. That I, have trouble paying attention. I know people in my life that would say I always pay attention and there are those who will say I never have. They are all right.

I find it fascinating that NASA hires forty percent ADD people to fill its ranks because of their innate trouble shooting skills. I was asked if I had a different way to trouble shoot. I have only the way I do it, as I have not yet stepped out of the looking glass I have no other reference. Though I tend not to give up til I have a solution or more research to conduct. But I have realized from this question being posed that others who are working with me were exasperated at how fast I dismissed a possible solution when I saw it not solving the problem. I would be darting down the next path to see if that was the solution while people without this affliction were not yet coming to the same conclusion. I have heard of a research that found (I cannot put my hands on the article at the moment) children from third world countries are better at problem solving than most American children, as these kids are constantly problem solving to live. Not that hiding ADD is near as dire, but trying to fit in and covering up your short comings would make you more attune to following the path of action and possible consequences, therefore a better perception of a solution or not.

I wonder what I have learned by forcing myself to pay greater attention than I wanted to. Of course there were times when I couldn’t, when the mind said no, and times when I could see the flow of conversation or a speech just wander through my mind with out sticking. No longer just a frustrated observer to this affliction but to have a name to call it. It is with great relief, that I am not alone, and now can say that I have ADHD.

Learning from testing.

In standard ADD fashion, I put the take home test off for a week. I had been reviewing my life ever since I decided to pursue getting the diagnosis for ADD or worse the “ No, you don’t have ADD.” answer.  Years ago I had come to terms with my schooling and thanked my parents for doing their best and their trust that I would be alright. I am. I just want the chance to see if it can be better.

Once I started the take home test the questions reminded me of the Doctor asking if I could read a book. I said “Yes, of course.” Now I realize that I get up about every twenty minutes to get a cup of tea and read some more. Then I am up to get a blanket and read and up again to turn on the light, go to the bathroom or move a cat. It does not stop me from enjoying the book, but it may drive anyone else in the room nuts. At the movies I am constantly fidgeting, still paying attention, but moving. The test made it clear to me that I got off easy with ADD. As symptoms can include panic attacks and anxiety and what appears to be compulsive fighting or at least a large temper with a fragile trigger. The symptoms just start here and go on like one crazy long smorgasbord. ADD has lots of similarities and differences and as far as I can tell no one knows the cause.

Some people have trouble sleeping, not me. I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. Once I am up, I am fine it just takes some doing to get there.

I remember getting a lot of conflicting information growing up from friends telling me I was smart, to others telling me I was stupid. Most people with ADD can go from a sentient being to a ditz in no time at all. In me this caused a struggle to fight against and work around. Through this I learned in college that I had twenty minutes of functioning brainpower to take a test. I learned to write notes on the margins for essays and answer everything else for the time, then go back and push through grammar on the essays and rest, sort of. Hoping for a new burst of energy. I went from a C student with some B’s in High School, to an honor roll student. We all have some tricks to get us by.

Many with ADD have to sit and stare and just be for a bit. The TV is often the focus, just to look like we are doing something. We just need to recoup after being social. Just talking to someone can be exhausting. There are so many cues to keep track of. I admit I get lost watching the gestures, the stance, are they paying attention when they talk or not. What tone if any is in their voice? Was that sarcasm? What are they looking at? Are they shifting at specific points? Is there a rhythm to their speech? Are they comfortable with what they are saying? Are they interested in this topic or not? And then, I have to remember what they are saying and not be confused by it, to be part of the conversation. Otherwise, they end, and I just stand there, as if I was not interested. This is not necessarily the message I was intending.

This take home test is much easier than college. It does take longer then twenty minutes and should give you lots to think about. My favorite question? I have never come across this in any other test. The question is “Do dead bodies make you afraid?” for me it depends on the situation.

First Steps

The doctor just confirmed I have ADD. Not a surprise really, but nice to get confirmed. She gave me a quick test in the office much like all the online tests for ADD. She also handed me a take home test, about 40 pages long to bring back completed in a couple of weeks. I found out that I am typical for an adult with ADD in that I was misdiagnosed as a child. The quieter girls are not always noticed in their struggles. Though my mother did have me tested for learning disabilities. I remember the doctor said “ Your Daughter doesn’t have a learning disability, she just doesn’t apply herself. She likes to daydream.” Now, that would be a flag for ADD. At the time I was to get my second misdiagnosis of reading glasses, so I could apply myself. By the time I failed my SAT’s, I started to think all those people who called me stupid or weird, might be right.

The first correct diagnosis came years after by two couples I knew. Both had had a child recently diagnosed in school. Each couple sat down with me to tell me they were certain I had ADD. The first couple was elated that their daughter would lead a fairly normal life, just as how they perceived I was doing. The second couple would not be consoled.  I was earning meager wages and living in low end neighborhoods for affordable rent. They wanted more for their child.  I wanted more for me too, but horror stories of Ritalin abounded.

So I remained hidden, or so I thought. Other people with ADD could pick me out in a crowd. Conversations would turn to options to deal with it and if they helped. Being told that I seemed to be fine without any medications was the trigger for me to take a hard look at my life. That’s when I realized how much energy I spent to hide my symptoms from others. My friends “knew” I was busy. Most of the time I needed to sit in a chair and recover from working all day, or from being social for several hours. Saying I was busy, gave me time to do this. My apartment is disorganized and clearly a hideout for a paper monster or two.  I don't invite people over as other adults do not live like this.  I needed options that a diagnosis would give me. This journey has just begun, and yet I know it will change everything.